Diamonds are Forever

With OHMSS proving to be a divisive entry in the series, at the time of its release at least, EON were keen to get Bond back on his best behaviour. And in their minds, the only way of doing this was to pay a record breaking $1.25 million to Connery to return to the role (that amount should really give a good indication at the animosity producers Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman, and the returning Connery).

Diamonds are Forever, on the surface at least, seems like a return to the more bombastic Bond films, with director Guy Hamiliton wanting to strike gold again, reportedly taking inspiration from his own time directing Goldfinger (Bassey even returns for her second Bond theme). However, for me, this is easily one of the worst in the series, with a lead actor on cruise control, wreaking havoc in a cartoon world full of nonsensical ne'er-do-wells.

The story again takes its basic premise from the Fleming's book of the same name, with Bond investigating a diamond-smuggling operation, that spans the globe with all roads leading to America. This sounds like it had the potential to continue on from the more grounded take that OHMSS had put down but even from the pre-credit sequence, any interest in maintaining that tone or even continuity are thrown at the window.

For the pre-credit sequence, we  Connery as Bond, interrogating several of Blofeld's goons. He is clearly hungering for vengeance after Blofeld (really Irma Bunt) gunned down his beloved wife Tracy at the epilogue of the last film. And yet, when Bond and Blofeld meet in this intro sequence, based on the tension between the two, the most you'd think they had inflicted on the other was a split cup of tea. Instead of fiery danger that Connery had once instilled in the role, you've half baked puns chucked at the man who was instrumental in the dead of Bond's supposed love of his life.

The Bond films have never pretended to act as strict sequels to one another (bar Craig's recent run), but by Diamonds would have been less offended if it simply didn't acknowledge the death of Tracy. By picking up the gauntlet of her death, they carry with it a certain expectation to address that plot point suitably, but alas they have zero interest in doing so.

The split between OHMSS and Diamonds is made even more acute by how Blofeld is now played. Confusingly, and in what will not be the last time, an actor who had played a previous character in a Bond film is recast as a new one in Diamonds. Here it is Charles Gray, who played Bond's contact in Japan in YOLT Henderson, now recast as the campiest version of Blofeld. He's now had various goons undergo surgery in order to look like him, to act as decoys (which leads to the grown inducing pun by Bond when he shoots one dead, Blofeld quips "Right idea," and upon seeing the ever present White Persian cat run to the real Blofeld, Bond retorts "Wrong pussy.") Blofeld even gets into what appears to be Dame Edna drag at one point...

Blofeld's existence in the plot of Diamonds is again an attempt to steer the series away from anything resembling a grounded plot. For what starts off as having the structure of something that may result in some actual spying from Bond, quickly devolves into Blofeld's grand plan of holding the world ransom using a satellite made of diamonds, that will proceed to laser beam locations of importance if his demands are not met.

Speaking of a camp tone, Blofeld is unreliabley assisted by the worst henchmen in the series, Mr Wint and Mr Kidd (in the film highly implied to be lovers, in the book they are and their homosexuality makes them even more dangerous in Bond's eyes...). Mr Wint and Mr Kidd talk in a deliberately arch and camp tone, dealing in death and double entendre, and constantly addressing the other by their surname. Their greatest hits of assassinations include placing a scorpion down the back of someone's shirt, knocking out Bond and putting him into a coffin ready for cremation, and the grand finale - serving a cake hiding a bomb to Bond.

On the other side of good, a sleepwalking Bond is helped by one of the worst Bond girls in the series - Tiffany Case. A cog in the diamond smuggling scheme, unaware at how big the conspiracy goes, she starts off as being fairly savvy and someone who could be reasonably expected to outfox Bond. By the end, she is relegated to strutting about Blofeld's oil rig lair, wearing very little, doing very little, other than providing the one true great gag of the film when she inadvertently undoes Bond's attempt to shut down Blofeld's plot.

And Connery isn't much better than his co-stars, looking significantly older, with his steely gaze having dimmed by now. He does nothing to elevate this film as being anything more than simply Bond by the numbers. His physical prowess does shine on occasion, most notably a well directed and bruising battle in a moving lift in the early part of the film.

Unfortunately, what little glimmers of hope that Connery actually sparks to life during the film are not enough to steer it away from a campy catastrophe. For every one great scene - the wonderful car stunt where Bond drives a car through a narrow gap by tilting the car onto two wheels - it is undermined by a cavalcade of dumb - to get to that car stunt we have to endure a car chase that drags on and on without incident. With Bond due to change again for the following film, it couldn't feel like Moore of a better idea.